Archive for January, 2006

Excellence, perfectionism and fear

Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.

Dr. David M. Burns

Most of the time some of us are prisoners of this belief or unconscious reasoning: if we want to reach excellence in our life we have to be perfect, act perfectly and have perfect things. Perfectionism can be defined as a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

It’s true that without the effort to improve yourself and do things at your best, you can’t achieve excellence. Though, the true way to reach excellence isn’t acting perfectly, but accepting your human imperfections and using a free, relaxed and creative mind/thinking.

Many times our perfectionism hide fears, as fear of being worthless in our own eyes and the eyes of others, if we don’t do things perfectly. This is the case when our fears cause our perfectionism. But there are situations when our perfectionism determine our fears. This happen when we are afraid to begin a work that we think we can’t do perfectly. Or, we begin that activity but then give it up. There were a scene in a fiction book, where people were sleeping under bed by the fear not to damage the perfection of the bedroom. (more…)

It make you stronger or weaker?!

What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.

Friedrich Nietzsche

If we think about this quotation in terms of true/false, we may say it is true and false at the same time. In terms of fuzzy logic it may be seen as having grades of truth and falsity.

The point isn’t if a quotation is true or false but how much it inspire and motivate us. This quotation motivate me a lot in tough times.

Though, this saying can be seen from two perspectives. On one hand, we may say that only in the battle field we become stronger. If we want to become stronger only by learning from others’ experiences there will be just a little improvement. Without going through tough situations, our character remain weak. On the other hand, if these tough events go beyond our human limits, they may make us weaker or even leave us with a horrible disability.

So, pay attention and don’t push too far your limits (if you can control the situation). If you find yourself in a situation you can’t control then you have to moderate your reactions in order not to hurt you. But don’t avoid the battle field, just there you’ll become stronger and stronger. The only condition is to master your reactions.

Remarriage isn’t a solution

A happy marriage gives its partners huge benefits in terms of wealth, psychological and physical health and longevity. An unhappy marriage gives its partners the reverse and have a high probability to end in separation or divorce.

Today, more and more marriages finish in separation and divorce. After divorce many think that if they want to rebuild their life again they have to remarry. But with a 50 percent divorce rate of first marriages and second marriages having a 60 percent divorce rate, it’s obvious that remarry isn’t a solution. Then this means that we must not remarry?! Not, it doesn’t. But you have to take into account some changes you must make about yourself.

The researchers believe that studying the extremes may help and teach us how to manage our marriages. They talk about “masters” and “disasters” of marriage. The “masters” of marriage are those people who know how to relate to their partner so that their marriage is satisfactory. The “disasters” of marriage are those who don’t have enough interpersonal skills to manage in a satisfactory way their marriage.

But why to study extremes when it’s well-known that the middle way is the golden way?! Because the “average marriage” is a mixture of extremes, being irrelevant and unproductive of marriage behaviors patterns. Studying the extremes, “masters” and “disasters” of marriage, we can find and establish patterns of building a happy marriage – “how to …” (from “masters”) and “how not to …” (from “disasters”). (more…)